"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it."
Oscar Wilde
Welcome to Imagination Temptation, a place where rants of a girl and the overwhelming feelings of her lays here.
All of the words implied here are genuinely from inside her mind or heart, though there are no guarantee that everything in here were just her imagination or fantasy.
Shall you see further inside this place, just click the girls on the left.
Profile
Who am I?
Certainly no one.
Well, I am just a being who likes to imagine a lot. It even tempts me.
An author of its life. A human who likes to and being loved.
Who doesn't, after all? Blasphemy, I say, if you don't need to be love and loved.
I like simplicity yet complexity. I like modest things yet also I like challenges.
I hate apathetic people. I hate selfish people. I hate ignorant people.
I love stories from the girl in the attic. I love songs that sings out feelings.
I don't like cliche love songs. Suffice to say, I don't like most of the songs in the world?
Hey, do you want to know more? Are you listening to me?
I'm.... here again.... it's been so, so, long... isn't it? I thought that kind of life and thought had ended, but I still have to come back to here... the only place that knows my sorrow and suffering....
I thought I had achieved happiness.... I thought I was able to walk and go forward, without anything to hold me back. Without anything to worry about...
But in the end, dark thoughts are returning.... I don't know what to do, or where to go... I don't know who to trust or to rely on. I don't know how I ended this way, the me existing now....
I have become such an anxious person, who's not able to finish a thing. Who's unable to concentrate and do her best... who's just... a pathetic person...
I'm... lost... I... don't know...
No... I do know.... why... everything... like's this...
No one has ever hold me back. Since the day I lost my mother, I've been content on my own... not trying to strife for the best.... just being okay... as long as I'm 'happy'... I don't need anything else........
That has taken a toll on me... that I only work on what's becoming my joy... and ignoring what I have to do.... I don't know how to struggle to study, how to work hard... I don't know... all I know is to pleasure myself....
I'm.... scared........
I think I have ADHD. I think I need help. I need something to guide me by, but... how can I start? Who should I tell my problems? No... I shouldn't, should I? This is my problem. One I should try to solve on my own. I need to change myself, but... I don't know... for what... I'm such.... a.... dumb person.....
I'm.... lost....
I just want to die, again. I have no one to love, and everyone around me.... they're just... are they so precious to me? Or are they just... there? I love my siblings, but... we have this unbreakable wall between us...
My bleeding hasn't stopping. I never finished school works. I don't have money and so do my dad.
I need... help... but.... who... where... how... can I find it....
Funny
Senin, 14 Mei 2012 @ 12.13
Hello, how are you? Are you lonely?
Here I am, back in the lair that I've been abandoning. I guess I don't feel too lonely anymore to write shits and rants on this place. Am I right?
You are a past, an entire past that I must no look for, but everytime I see you, I can't help but to laugh. Was I really this desperate? I asked myself. Although at the same time, I would look to pity myself. I am truly a despicable and lame person. Really lame. Too lame. So sad it is.
You know, I'm not in love again.
Part of me still hopes that someday I can be by his side, to comfort him when he's down, to heal him from his pain, to make him laugh, to be a shoulder when he needs one to cry, to be someone he can turn to, to be a person he could trust, and to be forever with him till the end of our lifes.
But here I am, realizing that I was a true foolish back then, and maybe, there's no way I could be his, or him be mine. We are too different and I was harsh, sentimental, childish, selfish. Yet he is...
I want to reach him, but I can't. I couldn't. Yes, I couldn't and I realize it. Maybe he's not the one for me. That's it. That's it.
But I want to be in love again.
With who?
I don't want to trap myself into thinking that I really like a guy. It was what I was doing with the white butterfly and the black butterfly. I realized that I made myself to like them, not that I really like them myself. It's funny yet I was truly a fool back then.
I want to be in love again, but I am afraid. I am always afraid of rejection. I am always afraid of losing something. I want to be in love again but I'm afraid that I will be envious, filled by jealousy that I could never spill. I could never give for anyone. In the end, I was afraid to be in a relationship, afraid to be with someone and afraid that I will be an evil once I get someone.
I love seeing women in their wedding dresses and mothers hugging their children. Was it because I long for one? But could never be one of have one.
I am truly, a pitiful person. Pathetic.
Yesterday, the white butterfly came to me. He asked me how to draw a realistic hair. Turns out he was drawing for a girl. I laughed at myself. I don't feel anything, yet I feel lonely somehow.
Maybe, just maybe. There's is someone, but I haven't meet him just yet.
Yes, that must be it, right?
That writing-- or letter
Sabtu, 03 Desember 2011 @ 07.01
I have stopped counting my days This is the end, there shall be no places for me to go
All my hopes and my wish have shattered into small dusts Now there's nothing left besides my will of leaving this world
Ah, I wish I have done better It's too late now The results have been written There's no way possible to change it
And now my regret has overcome my limits My sadness have laughed over me
I am in sorrow, there's no way i could get up No second chance for me
Shall I leave this world? Will anyone ever sad? Will anyone ever cry?
Who will cry for this pitiful kid? Who will cry for this kid's leaving?
And there's nothing left inside this lonely heart The memory of the good days have lost n the tremendous sorrow
Who can heal that heart? Who can take the sadness?
And now my regrets have overcome my limits My sadness has laughed over me.
Farewell
Tertulis 3 Juni 2010, 23:48.
Pas ketemu lagi sekarang, gw pengen ketawa ngeliatnya. Entah karena gw butuh salinannya, atau karena gw menertawakan kebodohan gw waktu itu.
Tapi... ah, entahlah.
Oh iya, mungkin konten itu lebih bisa dimengerti kalau baca post ini juga.
Dan uda lama ya sejak gw kemari. Di tempat di mana 'sampah' gw paling banyak menumpuk.
Oke, di saat kau dekat dengan seseorang, dan kau mengingikan lebih dari sekedar teman saja hubungan kalian
Lalu kau tahu ada banyak hal yang menghambat. Kau tahu dirimu dan dirinya ada di dunia yang berbeda. Kau juga tak mau mengganggunya, mungkin? Kau beranggapan siapa dirimu berhak bertanya-tanya padanya apa yang ia lakukan?
Hubungan kalian tak lebihlah dari sekedar teman main di dunia maya. Itu saja, bukan?
Lalu mengapa kau berharap lebih?
Apalah yang bisa diharapkan? Dulu dia selalu memanggilmu terlebih dahulu, tapi kini haruslah kau dulu yang menyapanya.
Ada yang salah?
Tidak sepertinya.
Mungkin ini hanya delusi.
Imajinasi semata. Keinginan yang tak boleh terpenuhi sebelum ada yang salah.
I just remembered when these day, when I actually use this thing as a media to release all of my stress mind, and I use the fact that no one is going to read this as an excuse. After all, who'll read this place full of rants? No one likes to read bad things right? And if they do, they wouldn't have any way to shout it. I just shut those voices off. I don't care what they would say about this place. This dark place where I would just write as if I was crying.
That's it. I just realize that there aren't any best place to associate my true feelings. I wouldn't deny that 60% of my problems were sourced from this world which isn't so real. The Internet World.
If I would tell my family, they would just call me as a geek. If I tell my friends in real life, they don't understand. And my net world friends? Can I trust them? Here I am ended writing all of my heart trashes inside this place. To write things that is never to be read. Hey, after all, that is the purpose of diary right? This place is like a diary to me. My data could be lost at any time if my computer breaks, but this place... it serves as a place to save it.
I once remembered, when I had no one to talk to, my friend just tell me to write it out. Don't say it, just write it. Because... when you write, you will eventually release them in a different way, right?
But sometimes, words are too lonely for me.
And sadly, the real life doesn't allow me to speak. So, where should I run? I am sometime too confused to do it.
I know... I know that... I have God above me, who will hear everything and know everything that I feel, but somehow... somehow I can't just... feel Him. I can't... reach Him. What should I do? I do not know.
Ah anyway.
I remembered today. There are this guy I like whom I met in my friend's party. My friend encouraged me to greet him. But... it is not simple... you know? I don't have enough courage to do so, and I mad at my friends, but later I blamed myself for being too coward, but my friends said that I shouldn't blame myself, because I have this right to be what I am...
I hope they are right... but what if... what I am is bad? If I never had any courage, I would never reach him, right?
Oh, and today, I planned to mess with someone, but he figures me out. When I mess with him, I already thought that I are prepared to lost him anytime he figures out who messed with him. I am ready to see him hate me, but I guess... this world isn't as bad as you think, right?
Why do I feel that dream is like a revelation of you deep inner mind?
Two days ago, I had a dream. It is one dream that I would never expect. Not now...
So, two days ago, when I was having a nap, I dreamed about many things, but there isn't much that survived in my conscious memory.
At first, I only remembered about strolling together with my aunt and my cousin. After we done, it was dusk, and I remember we entered a place what supposed to be basement parking ground, but instead we entered some place look like streets of small restaurant underground. After we walked a bit, I was at surprise to found us at the another part of the city and later found out that we have to go home on bicycle. As much as how miserable I am on that vehicle, my way home isn't very enjoyable. I fell down a lot.
Next, somethings happened, and I don't remembered what, but I happened to meet G on the other hand. Okay, he seems to be very nice to me, and greets me lightly, contrasts with his daily attitude towards me (oh well, he still is a nice person. We just haven't get in proper touch for some moments). Okay, some more things happened and I happen to be upon a mansion where my friend's sister are having a piano concert. So G was there too and he happened to sit next to me somehow. Guess what happens next.
He hold my hand, then he kiss my cheek and say that he loves me. At that time, I can't believe to what he said so I think I remained silent, but I remembered that I replied his feeling sincerely. In other words, I accepted him.
Next thing I remember is that I visited my friend on a certain jazz music event to tell her what has happened. Then I woke up, surprised.
It is amazing how the events in my dream is somewhat like a reflection of things that I wanted, but I had forgotten. I've never get in touch with my aunt and my cousin for a long time, and I've never thought about G lately. A glimpse, maybe, but lately I was trying to pursue the black butterfly. It is mysterious how does he ever entered my dream like that.
On the other hand, last night and this afternoon I also had some dreams, but I'll write about them later.
